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Boy Turtle

June 6, 2011

Well, he’s actually a tortoise, but he’s kindof a jerk so we didn’t give him a better name.

Mostly he likes to harass the girl tortoise and mow over all my plants in his desperate attempt to get to An Unsafe Place (the road), but his favorite past-time is hissing at me.

Yes, hissing. The tortoise.


His reluctant girlfriend, Girl Tortoise, is a sweetie pie and likes to check me out if I’m not making quick movements. She also likes to snack on the fruit and veggie scraps that we toss on the leaf pile in the back corner of the yard. All in all, we love her.

But this here turd kicked her out of her hole that she’s been living in for goodness knows how long, and now she lives across the street with her-maybe-tortoise-offspring.

There was an incident last year that isn’t exactly…well, it’s gross is what it is. And I’m a prude. Basically he and the Lady Tortoise were…you know…and he fell over backwards before… was….I’m so uncomfortable typing this. And the BF went outside to put him right side up because he was freaking out and stuff, and then they didn’t have babies because Boy Turtle hissed at BF and went off in a huff like BF had ruined his day.

When really he saved him from hanging out upside down in the baking sun for however long it would have taken him to flip right side up.

Anyway he’s a turd.

And Lady Tortoise was like, “You got any fruit scraps? I like bananas.”

We hadn’t seen either one of them in a while even though we’re always looking out for them, until I went outside to harass BF while he was working on something and I saw his bum stickin’ out.

Like this:

It’s a relief every time we see them, because our once quiet road isn’t so quiet and slow anymore thanks to jerks who drive down it like it’s a freakin’ race track. Which makes me mad but is also ironically funny that the people clamoring for speed humps (which we have now thanks to them) are the ones who are speeding IN THE FIRST PLACE (minus the colossal morons behind us who drive everywhere like they have to get wherever they’re going five-minutes-ago-oh-my-god-go-faster!).

Anyway Boy Turtle hates me.

I’m always doing mean stuff  to him like walking through the yard and planting delicious things and being happy to see him.


4 Comments leave one →
  1. Anna Karras permalink
    June 6, 2011 5:46 pm

    I can’t blame you for thinking the boy turtle is a jerk. I’ve never met one myself, but when I was living in Minnesota we had Canadian Geese everywhere. The ganders got awfully aggressive in the spring. I’ve been charged more than once by an ornery bird.

  2. June 7, 2011 7:55 am

    You are so mean to him! You should maybe go out and fan him. Maybe take him a little umbrella drink.

  3. June 7, 2011 11:22 pm

    Haha, Debbie!! We’re not even supposed to interact with them! They came here like thirty years ago says the BF and made their homes right smack in the middle of our backyard. We’re nice to them, though now the dog’s gone other four-legged fluffies like to check out our yard. Not to mention the hawks that love to hang out here.

    Sheesh, if I tried to give him a little umbrella drink he’d hiss at me. I’m convinced he’d kick my butt if he could. He’s a grouchy bugger!

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