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Lesson Learned

May 1, 2011

I really can’t presume to tell you how to feel about your God, or whether or not he exists at all, but I can say with all certainly that SOMEONE upstairs has been messing with me. I would call it ‘throwing piles of crap at me,’ whereas I’m sure others would call it, ‘just put that girl in her place already,’  or, ‘at least shut her up.’

What the heck am I talking about, you ask?

I’ll tell you.

Yesterday, I was full to the brim with pride, I was bragging publicly about my scrape with death and coming out on top (you know, when I killed that palmetto bug. It’s the same thing, duh). Well, maybe I was a little too loud with my gloating, because I just got pwned by God. Uh-huh. You read that right.

I was outside with the bf telling him all about how I braved the terrifying monster that somehow found it’s disgusting way into our house, right? And he was all, “Uh-huh, you’re so brave,” while he was trying to get stuff done around the yard, and then. AND THEN!

There was this horrible pain in my foot, and I look down to see this huge, enormous, monstrous THING right under my toe.

Well, fine. Technically it was an ant. Stop laughing.

That sucker hurt like nothing else I’d ever felt. And I’ve passed many a kidney stone, this was at least as bad, if not worse than that pain. I mean, it was this all-encompassing, totally distracting, couldn’t-walk-on-it-swelled-up-immediately type of pain. Oh also: crying.

And God was all, “Ha ha ha!” And pointing and stuff. Maybe even slapping his knee, I don’t know. I was too busy being doubled over in pain, crying, laughing because it was an ant, and wondering what in the WORLD kind of ant that thing was.

So cut to this morning, after a night of not sleeping because OH MY GOD DID I JUST DIP MY FOOT IN FIRE OR WHAT?!

I still don’t know what kind it was, and I still can’t really walk, and I broke out in hives all over my body (so pretty, right?) and we don’t have nearly enough ice compresses. There are never enough ice compresses.

Earlier I went outside with my trusty Digital Dinosaur (my eight year old digital camera) to find the stinking things so I could take a picture and warn all three people who look at my blog to kill the mofo’s who live in those hives if they find them. Wanna know what I found?

That’s right. Nothing. At first I was pissed because I thought they’d just up and left after they completed their mission of being a-holes. And then I thought I must have made them upset when I poured the contents of my water bottle on their nest in retaliation, but then! I realized after looking around at the freshly trimmed shrubs, that the BF must have destroyed their nest.

All together now, “Awwwww!”

He didn’t even tell me he did it. Which makes me feel kinda guilty for accusing him of hating me for not taking me to get a smoothie at 12am last night.

I never said I was sane.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. May 1, 2011 12:19 pm


    I caught Mrs. PP planting bulbs in my strawberry bed… I think bee stings hurt worse than ant bites.

    • May 1, 2011 5:19 pm

      I do too! But these weren’t your run-of-the-mill ants, I’ve been bitten by regular fire ants loads of times. I have no clue what kind the ones that got me were, they were huge. Whatever it was made my toes numb and it felt like it went into the bones in my foot. BF said he blasted the nest with a hose, it must have worked because whatever they were, they’re gone now.

      Is it bad to plant bulbs in a strawberry bed?

  2. Scott permalink
    May 1, 2011 2:54 pm

    I have tons of anti hives in my yard. I let them be because they are good as guard critters.

    • May 1, 2011 5:21 pm

      LOL, really? I wouldn’t mind except that the nest was right by my garden bed. Plus they weren’t those tiny red guys that always get me. They were like, monster, four-times-as-big ants on steroids.

  3. Anna permalink
    May 2, 2011 12:13 pm

    Dude, fire ant bites HURT. And then they fill up and look like zits, which is such a bonus. I’m always wary of where I’m standing. Hope yours are better soon!

    • May 2, 2011 8:59 pm

      Thank you! I’ve been bitten loads of times by regular fire ants, they hurt a bit for a second and then it’s over and they get itchy kindof. But this was an Imported Fire Ant from Brazil (at least it looks identical) which hitched rides over to FL through fruit shipments. I managed to get a picture so I’m going to do a post in a bit on them. I wouldn’t want anyone else to get one of these bites.

  4. May 8, 2011 7:47 am

    I am definately wearing my rubber boots anytime I step into the yard! I react horribly to regular fire ants, I can’t imagine what would happen if I got bitten by one of these mutant ants. Hope you are feeling better.

    • May 8, 2011 9:06 am

      I’m feeling fine now, thankfully. I hope none of them have made it over to Plant City! I haven’t seen any for a while so hopefully they’re all in fire ant heaven.

  5. May 8, 2011 3:59 pm

    Or fire ant hell!

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